Jobs you can get after being a Stay at Home Mom

If, like me, your stay-at-home mom you may have anxiety about what sort of job you would be qualified for after being out of the market for years.  My husband goes to work and learns how to manage people and complex projects while I’m at home cleaning up pee.  If only that would give me a résumé boost.

Even though managing children is the toughest job I have ever done,   society does not yet recognize our newly honed skills.  So world, here are a few jobs that us mommies are now trained for:

Professional athlete. We’ve perfected our ability to toss a diaper full of caca across the room in the dark–and make it land in the trash. We’ve got serious boxing skills after funneling our frustration from a day of toddler tantrums into pillow punching and teddy bear punting.  We have strength and stamina to carry heavy loads (meaning multiple children that decide they are too tired to walk and all their crap) long distances.  We are super agile from cooking with one hand nursing a baby with the other, and cleaning puke off the floor with our feet all while dancing with our toddler. Oh and we will impress the judges by how we could smile through it all (so our toddler thinks we’re actually in the mood to dance).

Fashion designer. We’ve turned into natural trend setters by wearing our shirts inside out, backwards and wearing new color and pattern combinations.  Our clothes are adorned with custom designed prints made from spit up, cream cheese, and peanut butter.  Each day we create a new relic.  And the materials are organic and biodegradable.

Cat herder. Let’s face it, if you have mastered the art of getting small children out the door ON TIME, herding cats would be easy peasy.

Grocery store manager.  We are masters of food inventory in our homes.  And we will get endless joy out of saying “cleanup on aisle nine” without actually having to do the cleanup.

Reality TV show star. We would kill at fear factor after pushing a humongous baby through that tiny hole, or had it cut out of our abdomens.  We’ve dealt with so many human feces that we can (and probably have) spread them on our bed sheets and then sleep like a rock.  After all, nothing should scare you if you’ve put your nipple into the mouth of a baby with teeth.

Secret service agent.  We’ve gone through Mother Bear Boot Camp and thanks to our blasted unconditional love and hormones we are insane and intense when it comes to protecting our babies.  When putting our kids down to sleep, we are as stealth as ninjas avoiding every squeaky floor board.  When walking down the street or playing at the park, we have eyes on every shady character and our children.  We make escape and survival plans for every natural disaster.  Taking a bullet for our child is a no brainer.  If we applied an ounce of this tenacity to keeping the president safe, he  would have nothing to worry about.  And we could be counted on for snacks, sunscreen, and a change of clothes in case the president suddenly frolics in a nearby sprinkler.

Prisoner.  We’ve learned that time to yourself is awesome, and solitary confinement might be pretty darn nice.  Plus, we would love to have someone cook for us.

A female version of MacGyver.  We are resourceful and have done amazing things with straw wrappers, plastic cup lids and salt packets.  We have dealt with poop in the worst of situations and walk away squeaky clean.  We have used our negotiation skills and creativity to get our young children to hold themselves together for moments of necessary silence.

Finally, if we have overcome colic and terrible twos, and threes we will kick butt at any job requiring a great deal of patience, that pays nothing, and requires the ability to poop while holding a baby or two on our person.

Once you are a mom, you can do anything.

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